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…and so he raised his fist in the air and punched him in the face.

His best friend told him, “Hey man, you gotta cut this shit out. You need to get your act together and get her back. You need her, man.”

In denial, he kept shutting her out.

She felt this indescribable torment that only made her days darker. Knowing that the one guy she found herself falling for was the one who tore her to pieces.

He knew what he was doing to her.
He knew that she cried at night.

She knew that he loved her.
She knew that he felt bad.

Why didn’t he do anything anything to fix it?
Why does she always make things worse?

I guess… this is what happens when the only good thing comes to an end.

I never said I’d lie and wait forever if I did we’d be together. I’m never coming home, never coming home. And all those things you never ever told me.

I’m a little emo. LOL. I was thinking this past weekend about the life I used to have. I swear, MySpace ruins lives. Okay, no, not really. But because of MySpace, I was browsing and I came across old friends. I remembered growing up with a certain individual thinking we would always be friends no matter what. After she made her mistakes, I forgave her. I do not know why she was upset with me because I didn’t do anything wrong to make her not trust me. She betrayed my trust, and I forgave her. I forgive you. After all these years, I look at her now and I see how happy she is. I thought I was happy. Wait, I take that back. I AM happy. I just envisioned living my life a bit differently. I guess I have always thought that I’d be living my life with her consistently active in my life. But since she isn’t I guess I have another regret. I know I have a pride issue and all, but who doesn’t have at least some type of pride issue that prevents someone from doing the right thing? If not the right thing, then the better thing.

I know that if things didn’t go down the way they did between me and her, and the recent friend issue, I wouldn’t be where I am now. I love Lucy (haha, and I love the show), Mary Grace, Denise, Dan, and all the other people I’ve gotten closer to these past three years. I know if I went down the other path with XBFF of 10+ years, I would have never considered dating Dan. I would have never gotten into my December 2006 shithole. MG and I would probably be acquaintances. Lucy and I would probably talk less. It sucks that I don’t get to hang out with Lucy outside of school now, but imagine… it’d be way less. I tend to be more devoted to people I’ve known longer, but I’ve learned (all late) that it has always been about quality, not quantity.

Do I have any regrets with the decisions I’ve made regarding friendships? Hell yeah.

The asshole XBFF. Oh dear. I see how she is now. The lies she made, the secrets she hid, and not having a backbone to have her own identity. It’s a shame to see her with people who betrayed her a LONG time ago. Okay, I think I’ve bitched about her enough.

“Me I’m dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly it’s the honest ones you have to watch out for, you never can predict if they’re going to do something incredibly stupid.” Jack Sparrow, Pirates I 

You know, I’m an honest person. If me being honest predicts stupid behavior, then all the fallouts I’ve had… were they my fault? Or were the people I was honest with are sensitive pricks? The people who know me stuck by me through my wrathful tongue. I don’t think being too honest is a bad thing. My younger cousin said I can be “too blunt” at times. Good? Bad? But who else would tell you to your face? Fuck dude. I’m talking out of my ass. HAHA.

Well, here. Let me sum it up for you.

You’re a douche if you can’t handle the truth.
You’re a bitch for talking so much shit to make yourself feel better.
You’re a liar for keeping secrets from me.
You’re all assholes.

BUT…
You’re a good friend for listening.
You’re a good friend for being brutally honest with me.
You’re a good friend for good vibes.
You’re all amazing.
Thanks Lucy, Dan, MG, Denise, and the rest of you who KNOW who you are, and who I am.

April 11, 2008: MG, Denise and Me

I’ve lost 10 pounds in the past week. Some girls may say, OHH good for you! But really, I didn’t lose it the proper way. I’ve been quite stressed lately and eh, I need a breather. I think it’s school. I have 5 more weeks until finals. I think. I do plan on taking Summer Session I and II. I know it will add on to my stress and won’t give me a chance to rest, but I really want to graduate. I have plans for myself and graduating will help me do everything. 

So, here are a few pics from spring break.  

Lynwood party with Lucy…

…Kevin and MG.

Dan’s surprise kickback with MG and Lucy.  

I’m getting caked on Dan’s birthday. LOL.

 
We were in the hot tub together.  You can fantasize now.

The Bamboozle Left: Irvine, California.

Happy birthday Dan! He spent his birthday with me at a concert he didn’t care for.

 
My first time in the batting cages in four years.

After waiting 2 years, I finally got to see Story of the Year.
BTW. Paramore’s performance was amazing!!!

 

 

I was so stressed out when I was planning out Dan’s surprise kickback. It was a success though. He had no clue, although on that day, the 3rd, he said “why are there so many hot dogs in the fridge?” haha. He got drunk — at least to me — and blah blah. It was cool hanging with everyone.

The Lynwood party was just out of nowhere. That was on the 28th I think. Kevin, MG and I were heading over to Downtown Disney, but Lucy called me because she was in LA. So, we drove our ass back to LA. There was this one guy who kept rape dancing us. HORRIBLE. Just, thank you Kevin for saving me!!

Bamboozle was effin amazing. I got thrown into a few mosh pits, I got beat up, but it was all fun. I was so tired that day too. Last year I went with Dan and Erika. This year, I went with Dan, Lucy and Chela. This year was wayyy better. Better bands, food, crowd. Even though I got decked, kicked and pushed… it was all worth it.

On Wednesday, the 2nd, I hung out with Medalla and Angela at Fullerton. I havent seen them since the Christmas party I had. We went to this cute Italian place then to Yogurtland. I was really excited. We were catching up and all that good stuff. HEY GUYS. Hips don’t lie. Lean on me. I’ll spread my wings and prepare to fly. LOL.

Pancake House. WOW. Thank you Gio and Lucy for taking my Pancake House Virginity. LOL.

I know, be jealous. My life > your life.

032808 - Lynwood party with Lucy, Olga, MG, and Kevino.
032908 - clean, work, then chillination with MG & Kevino.
033008 - Work and finish cleaning
033108 - Pancake House with Gio & Lucy, chill with Dan
040108 - clean, work
040208 - Dinner with Medalla and Angela
040308 - Chill
040408 - Dan’s Birthday Dinner with his parents
040508 - Dan’s 22nd, BAMBOOZLE with Dan, Lucy & Chela
040608 - Work, last minute homework

Dude. This is going to be AWESOME.

“Who’s the one you turn to for everything? Who’s the person you talk to about your problems? about love? about life? Who’s that one person…?”

I was sure I knew.

It’s not you anymore.

I just saved myself the disappointment and heartache. Thank you.

Okay, so no lyrics today. I’m saving my iPod battery for work. That way I won’t bore myself to death while I close. LOL.

So, I’ve been really thinking about getting back into this whole web design stuff. I miss it. It used to be my therapy. But it used to piss me off at the same time because I could never leave the computer until I finished coding and whatnot. Probably starting spring break I’ll jump into it. I have to clear out my desk at home first because I’m getting a new computer desk. I’ve had my current desk since I was in 2nd grade. I know, so old, so gross. LOL.

Anyways, I spent my weekend with Dan =] He came over on Friday and brought me spaghetti. I still haven’t eaten it yet. Maybe I’ll eat it today. But I’m trying to save money, and I had the urge to shop this weekend. So we went window shopping at Del Amo. Went to Urban Outfitters, XXI, Old Navy, everywhere. We ended up having a nice night in - we went grocery shopping and he cooked me breakfast for dinner, and we had pizza and watched Disney’s Tarzan. It was nice.

Saturday, I had a dentist appointment and he made me BLEED so much =[ But it’s okay, I still have nice teeth. I never needed braces. LOL. YAY for a sexy smile! How long are you supposed to have braces? At most 2 years? Well, I know someone who’s had it for like, 5. It’s a shame. I guess their teeth is REALLY fucked up. HAHA. Whore. Anyways, I went to Dan’s area and his family and I went to Elephant Bar for dinner. It was nice, and filling. When we got home, Dan and his brother were breaking wind =[ Why did I have to be there with them? LOL. But we watched Aladdin until I had to leave. One word… SLICK. Hi, Dan =]

If someone told you, “I don’t want to have anything to do with you” how would you react after that? I’m surprised that I’m still being thought of to this individual who indirectly invited me to their party. PLEASE. Leave me alone.

So, spring break starts next Thursday at precisely 5:15pm. Here’s some plans.
- chill with mg before her break is over
- beach
- dan’s birthday
- bamboozle left concert

shit, gotta get ready to go to class. haha. more later. bye.

…do you enjoy being hurt? You should let me love you, let me be the one to give you everything you want and need. Give you good love and protection, make me your selection… show you the way love’s supposed to be. Baby, you should let me love you, love you, love you. Mario - Let Me Love You

Okay, I went surfing through links, and I should really get off my ass and get back into full throttle gear in web designing. Shit.

So, I got harassed on Tuesday. I went to Jamba Juice after I worked out and some black guy came up to me as I was walking out and got up all on me saying “Mmm, I like them legs” and did that hissing sound where you put your teeth together and suck air in. I pretty much told him to fuck off. I came home and told mom what happened and somehow, she figured that I like that kind of attention and I ended up cussing her out because I was still upset. I’m sorry mom. LOL.

Anyways, I had a long day that Tuesday because I went in for school at 2 and got out around 10. I usually leave campus around 930 or 945, but I stayed later to help someone out with statistics. After explaining three chapters to him in 15 minutes, he did say thanks, but he didn’t have the decency to hold the door open and wait for me. I was like, wow, you’re a dick. It’s okay. I came home to a comfortable living room and watched One Tree Hill. This season is actually better than the last one I think.

I finally had my first Managerial Accounting test on Wednesday. This is the class I didn’t pass during summer. I got a D because I never attended class. Anyways, this class is worth 100 points so any slip up will cost me. Let’s hope I pass with a C. I did get an 80% on it, but right now I’m at a high A in the class. I just have to maintain it.

I did have a good weekend. But details shall be spared =]

Where am I? Where are you? There’s so much time, so little to do. You can’t see nothing cuz you can’t see through your eyes. Life, could you be a little softer to me? Life, could you be more gentle to me? Softer, softer, softer…. softer to MEEEEE. I’m still alive, that much is true… I’ve never lied - well I guess I’ve told a few.

Thank you, Reliant K.

There are things that have been going on lately, that I wish I never got into, or heard about. Let’s just say that my past was coming back in another shape/form between two best friends of mine. New bff, and old bff. I knew it was never my place, but I felt like if I had the power to fix things, I could. I felt like I was in the middle. If I never introduced New BFF to Old BFF then drama would have never happened. When I was younger, I used to love putting people on blast for the things that upset me about them. Let’s just say that that’s what happened between New & Old. I had a talk with both of them, and hopefully things are fixed now. I’m upset that things went down the way it did, but eh, faults occurred everywhere. I just hope it’s all better now.

I found out A LOT of new information about high school drama and whatnot. It’s funny because althought I’m three years past high school, and I’m a college kid… the things that happened back then and that were hidden after these few years. When you hear it for the first time despite how long ago it was, the reactions you get are as if you’re back in the past. Does that make sense? Okay, let me use a One Tree Hill example. LOL. Peyton and Brooke were BFFs. Lucas cheated on Brooke with Peyton. During their freshman year, Peyton dated Nathan. Peyton broke up with him 2 or 3 years ago. Now she’s with Lucas. Brooke and Peyton are not on good terms. During senior year, Nathan was throwing a house party, his friends found a tape that said Nathan scores (he’s a bball player). Then it ended up being a sex tape. Peyton was upstairs getting naughty with Lucas. She heard the ruckus downstairs and raced down. She thought the tape they were playing was of her and Nathan so she went down to regulate. Turns out, it was a sex tape between Nathan and Brooke. Brooke was trying to tell Peyton that it was a one time deal blah blah. Even though it did happen a long time ago, and no matter how bad of a hypocrite Brooke was, Peyton was so hurt that Brooke did that to her even though her and Nathan were on and off. So even thought it was such a long time ago, she still felt the effects of the damage that was done in the past.

Okay, back to me. That’s the concept of it all.

There’s an unwritten girl rule that you do not mess around with your friend’s ex boyfriend. REGARDLESS. It’s funny how people get so upset to see their ex boyfriend move on with someone who deserves their affection. And it’s funny on how wrong you are about a person. Lately I was thinking that I miss some people. And I miss who they used to be. After ALL the things I found out just recently, I really don’t miss them.

A lot of the things I found out made me laugh my ass off because how much of a little bitch can one person be? In a relationship (friendship/intimate), I’m the type of person to lay things out on the table bluntly. I know I hurt people sometimes, but I figured that all the friendships/relationships I have, you give and take. I’m blunt with people. I didn’t know that I make them cry. HAHA. Okay anyways, with one particular relationship… we always laid things out on the table. Or, so I thought. It turns out everything I said negatively affected ths person. Sure, I guess I felt bad, but it was their fault for not saying anything to me in the first place. I won’t change unless you show me and tell me what’s going on.

One friendship I truly cherish, is between me and M. We barely got close senior year, and for about a good 2 years we barely talked. This past summer, we got REALLY close. After all the drama went down… some person decides to tell M. to be careful with me. Not to get in the same situations. How fucked up is that? Am I that bad of a person that people have to be warned about me? I am who I am, and if you don’t like it, too bad. Yes, I will change to meet your comfort needs, but if your shithead ass is gonna go behind my back and talk shit and call me a bitch — then fucking go for it. Look who’s a little bitchass weakling now.

Okay, whatever. No point. Oh, but I have a question for this oh-so wonderful individual… (just in case your ass is stupid, it’s called sarcasm) are you done being a dipshit?

…you know it’s easier if we get closer. I’m not asking for too much. I just get this feeling over and over. Cuz it’s just you that I see nothing but you — I feel so free. You make me feel high on life. When I’m with you I can fly, I wouldn’t stop this feeling. — DJ Encore “High On Life”

Have you ever gotten to the point where you know you were doing something wrong, but you kept on doing it? Well, if you say ‘no’ then youre stupid. Everyone’s gotten to that point. And look where we are now. Once you hit that point, imagine how many people you could end up hurting. Imagine how bad you end up hurting them. It’s not fair. But I guess once you come to a realization that what you’re doing is wrong, all of it doesn’t matter. It sucks that whatever was done is done, but change it, right?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO LUCY. She turned 21 on the 27th of February. I hope she had a good birthday. I didn’t get to hang out with her on Wednesday, but I did go over on Thursday after I got out of class. We just went to get Subway dinner with Silvia. Lucy, Chela and I went to South Coast Plaza and went shopping. She spent her weekend at Teresita Pines. I’m glad she had a good time. But DUDE. I can’t wait to turn 21, that way, we can party and get drunk together =] Rain check, k Lucy? LOL.

I put your love up on the shelf, and I guess I just left it to die. Can you help me tell what you want from me? Baby help me cuz without you I think I’ll go crazy.
“Can You Help Me” by Usher.

I know that’s not in my music preference but that’s what I happen to be listening to right now. LOL.

This weekend, my family and I celebrated my brother’s landing a job at NG. I’m so excited for him. After all the work he went through in school, it’ll pay off. We went to some really nice restaurant in El Segundo. I like it. Possible date place. LOL. I was thinking about it, my parents forgot to take me out for my birthday. I know they let me have a kickback at home, but we always go every year to celebrate birthdays. They missed my 20th birthday dinner. I’m kind of sad about it, but I don’t know. It’s like whatever, but if that’ll be the case, I don’t want it anymore. The tradition is broken. When I turn 21, which will be in seven months, I’m going to go to Vegas with my favorites (MG, Joe, Ron, Dan, Lucy, and etcetera). My birthday is on a Friday. Imagine that. LOL.

If only had found us first… So I stand and wait. I am just a (wo)man. Oh, where would we be now baby if we found each other, where would we be now? So I crash and burn.
“Where Would We Be Now?” by Good Charlotte

Finally, confirmation status of Kimmie (my cousin) to visit this summer. She’ll be here from June 14th to the 22nd. I won’t get to take summer class the first session, so hopefully the 2nd session will be okay. I plan on taking another statistics class that would go well with the class I’m taking now. But a break would be great. LOL. Hello, vacation. This summer’s going to be good. I want to take her to Disneyland, Six Flags, the LA Zoo. And we’re going to hit up the beaches and we’re going to hang out with my friends.

Okay, lazy to blog. Lucy’s here. Bye.

…a little space to breathe. But you will be fine, the sun again will shine on you whatever you do. Take your sweet, sweet time cuz I will be here when you change your mind.

Oh the legendary Jesse McCartney. Remember back when he was on Dreamstreet? LOL.

I sprained my ankle this recent Friday =[ I was with Dan and yeah. I stepped off his curb and sprained it. I was so embarassed because I just imagined seeing it in a 3rd person point of view and it was just too damn funny. So, I was laughing like crazy.

Saturday, I was planning on relaxing at home, but I needed to go birthday shopping for Lucy’s birthday this coming Wednesday. It’s her 21st birthday. I didn’t know what the hell to get her, so I just got a little something. Anyways, I went with Mary Grace to go shop, then she had a spur of the moment idea and suggested that I get a tattoo! As impulsive as I am, I was so down. We called Huero, one of the tattoo artists at South Bay Tattoo and Piercing, and we were going to go around 7pm. I called Dan to make sure it was okay with him, but he ended up saying “it’s trashy.” So of course, the type of person I am to please everyone, I ended up feeling like shit and decided not to go through with it. I’ve been wanting stars and I wanted to get it on my ribs. So blah blah, Dan and I were arguing and I just dropped it. Then the MySpace whores that me and MG are, we saw KevinO post a bulletin about going to get Sonics. Mind you, Sonics isn’t that common around here, so the closest one is in Anaheim, which is 20+ miles from my area. Long story short, I ATE SO MUCH that unbuttoning my pants gave me an extraordinary satisfaction. LOL.

Yesterday, I worked nine friggin hours. WITH a damn sprained ankle. It got worse because I didn’t let it rest. After getting home from work, I was angry and took a nap. I woke up with a strange dream. It was scary. Long story short - Nancy (my coworker) and MG and I went to Nancy’s hideout in downtown LA. Nancy was going to go shower and MG felt dizzy cuz she hasn’t eaten. Then I see these 2 burglar looking guys and tried to stay hush hush, and then all of a sudden, this guy went up to where MG was, didn’t notice her, touched my face, and ran downstairs and went outside to climb up to where I was. I tried getting away and he went behind me then I woke up. This character had a bald pale face, sharp sharklike teeth, and creepy ass cat eyes or something. I think I was having a bad dream about being raped. I texted Nancy as soon as I woke up and told her. I told her to never have a hideout and invite me. LOL. I IMed Lucy and Ben because they were the only ones I really talk to and they were online. Then Dan called. More blah blah.

I had a panic attack last night and I was scared I was going to suffocate. I was all crying and hyperventilating. It was horrible. I dropped the phone and heard Dan trying to say calm down. It’s kind of hard to calm down. LOL. More blah blah here.

After getting off the phone with Dan, I was talking to Ben cuz he texted me and I kind of left him hanging. We talked for a good while before I went to sleep at 2:30am.

Okay, bitchmode.
Can someone please tell me the difference between quitting a job, and giving a week’s notice that you’re quitting? THANK YOU. There is no difference. There are only a few options: you quit, you get fired, or you get laid off. I was just so irritated with a coworker because I found out she quit and when I texted her she said “no, I didn’t quit, I just don’t work there anymore… blah blah I gave my notice since Monday, blah blah.” Dude, it’s the same damn thing. Quitting on the spot and quitting a week in advance. SAME SHIT. OMGGGG.

Work yesterday was ridiculous. All the idiots decided to come out and shop yesterday. Some lady was tapping on the counter to get my attention and NO, I do not respond to that so I ignored her. Then she finally said excuse me and I went to her, and she was giving me this attitude and whatnot. So, when Nancy was ringing her up, she was saying how rude I was and that I’m lucky she doesn’t talk to the manager. LIKE I CARE. LOL. My attitude and behavior generally reflects those who are around me.

Want to make out and kiss hard – Wait nevermind.
Good song by She Wants Revenge.

I was talking to my homegirl about this next topic… What if you knew ALL along who you wanted but knew you couldn’t have this special individual? What if you knew that things would work out because of the intense chemistry, but factors such as priorities, religion, distance, or having a current significant other got it the way? If you KNEW you would have a great relationship with this person, would you go the extra mile, hurt others along the way, to be happy yourself?

One Tree Hill last week made me think. If you’re a OTH fanatic, then you know the whole ordeal with Peyton. For those who don’t know, in high school, Peyton (this artsy cheerleader with all this drama) and Lucas (an ex bball player with such literary talent) were in love. They were in love and they were meant for each other. Peyton moved to LA to find her life in music, but her life was incomplete without Lucas. Lucas went to visit her, and proposed. Her answer was “someday.” He went back to North Carolina and blah blah. He wrote a novel, fell in love with his editor, and they’ve been together for 2 years. Peyton quit her record label job and moved back home. She claimed she didn’t come back for Lucas but duh, she did. She told him she still loves him after 3 years of being apart. Then Lucas proposes to Lindsay using the SAME ring he used for Peyton (damn jerk!). So blah blah, she went to Lucas and pretty much told him that the greatest thing she could do for their love is sacrifice. She’s sacrificing her love for him so HE can be happy.

Now, would you do that? You see the one you love, and the person you’ve been in love with… and he’s in love with someone else? That’s a bitch.

Can you be torn between two people? I still think you can fall for 2 people at the same time but it’ll tear your heart apart.

She looks into my eyes, I’m alive again. And when she says goodbye I just die again. That’s when my restlessness begin, please don’t let it win, I’m so tired again. I’m underneath the haze, one thing still remains the same… she’s the only love I’ve known. And now she’s gone away. She walked into my life and my world was still. She reached into my soul and my doubts were cured. That’s when my loneliness subsided, she gave me the will I could fight it, but nothing can erase one thing that remains the same… so tell me what I should do. I left everything for you and I can hardly breathe cuz I know I lost you from my world, from my heart. She’s the only love I’ve known. Now, she’s gone away. She’s the one who brought me to the edge. Will I ever love again?
Another good song by Ryan Cabrera. Please regard any mistakes. I was trying to type and listen to it on my iPod.

I wonder if I’ll ever make a man feel like that. I wonder if someone will ever think of me that way. It’s okay though. It is nice to feel wanted and needed sometimes.

See ya.