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After talking with my cousin today, I need to focus on what I should do for myself. Thanks, cuhh, for slapping me with reality once again.

“I am used to this, being the one not chosen. It’s not that I’m not pretty in my own way. I’m just not notable.”

One of these days, I’m going to take a good look at everyone — when I decide to walk away, they’re the ones who are going to be hurt.

Yesterday, Dan and his brother and his girlfriend came to my area to hang out. We ended up heading to Del Amo right when I got home from work and watched Inception. This is the 2nd time I saw it so I got to enjoy it without being confused. I think the movie junk food gave me a stomach ache because I’m not used to eating so much junk food in one sitting

After the movie, we went to Hakata Ramen and had our noodles. I couldn’t bring myself to finish it. I’ve been dieting so I think my appetite really is being suppressed dramatically. Just like most days with Dan, I always find a reason to ruin it. Yes, I fail. Miserably.

Today’s Thursday. I want tomorrow to come so I can get started on my 2nd temp job. Then fast foward through the weekend and work again on Monday. I think I’m going to be a workaholic.

Anyways, I only had 2 hours of sleep — and this is what I thought about:

I always try to fix things on the spot; if I can’t fix it, then I blame myself entirely.

Not a good way of thinking, huh? I think when my mind goes on auto-pilot, this is when I get dramatic Boo to you, mental health.

“I didn’t mean to fall in love with you
And baby there’s a name for what you put me through
It isn’t love, it’s robbery
I’m sleeping with the ghost of you and me

The ghost of you and me
When will it set me free
I hear the voices call
Following footsteps down the hall
Trying to save what’s left of my heart and soul”

– BBMAK’s “Ghost of You & Me”

I need a breather. I honestly don’t know from what though. I had a really good weekend, and Monday finally came and all of a sudden, WHOOSH! On Monday and Tuesday, I went to work, went to the gym, and met up with a friend after. I really haven’t done anything out of the ordinary… Yesterday, I went to work and the gym as usual and passed out by 6:30pm. I woke up today at 4:00am and ended up watching Beauty and the Beast. LOL. WHAT?!

The other day, my old teammate, Sami, texted me and asked if  I wanted to play softball again — NEW MOTIVATION TO WORK OUT! I think I’ve been working out hard this past week. So that would explain my physical exhaustion.

This mental exhaustion needs to stop. At least I have the following to look forward to this weekend:

- Happy Hour with MG
- Bar with MG & Co.
- Picnic
- Dan time :]

…where I wish I had someone to talk to tonight.

Yeah, it seems like I bitch and whine all the time, but people told me to let it out. Now that I have, hardly anyone wants to listen. It doesn’t help that the person I would normally talk to has replaced me. I know I’m not mentally there yet, but it sucks being alone, especially tonight.

I just want to wake up tomorrow, work, exercise, and come home. I want to sleep through the weekend and start work all over again next week.

Please, God. Make this happen.

I don’t know what it is… it’s probably all in my head. I’ve been keeping to myself these days. No matter who I try to talk to, they either get annoyed or frustrated with me. I decided to back off entirely. Besides, no one seems to understand what I’m going through right now. I take that back, I’m sure they do, but I’m sure they think I’m pushing it too far. But NO, I’m NOT. I don’t want to feel this way. I know my stress is all mental. But how the hell can I NOT think? When I’m not thinking of one thing, it’s another — and if it’s not that other thing, it’s something else — and so on.

The only person’s who has been  patient with me is Dan. I’ve sworn to not be one of those girls who are alwayyyys with their boyfriends — but I think in this case, that’s what I’m turning out to be since almost everyone’s been leaving me hanging. I can’t trust anyone anymore and it’s killing me

Anyways, on a brighter note, I spent this past weekend with Dan. He came over on Saturday and we hit up Manhattan Beach Pizzaria. We haven’t been there for almost 2 years. The last time we went there was with Mary Grace & Joe but of course they hardly come out with us. Anyways, we went shopping for a little bit and got some Stress Aromatherapy. Like I said, it’s all in my head, but the eucalyptus does smell rather nice. We went back home and watched Shutter Island. It was good. Sad Later that night, I took Dan to The Counter. It was super yummy. We came back home, bummed it and watched When In Rome.

Yesterday, I went to Dan’s house for the 4th of July. Dan, his brother and I were watching X-Men The Last Stand before everyone got there. When they did, we went to the backyard, had some bbq (I had ravioli om nom nom) and watched everyone play with water guns. I was feeling ugh, so I took a nap for an hour and then returned back to the bbq. At that time, Dan’s little cousin’s were there and running around. David and their cousin’s boyfriend, Austin were ganging up on me with the water guns. I swear I almost fell When we all settled, Dan tried kissing me and someone freakin’ shot water in our faces LOL. It was fun. It was, then, time for fireworks. Dan was sweet and set up a spot for us on his roof –  HIS ROOF! That was the first time I’ve ever been on a roof and we got to share it with his drunk friend, drunk brother and drunk cousin LOL. Good company though. A pellet from the fireworks landed right next to me so I was like UHHH oh no! I hadn’t had any alcohol consumption in a month or so, so I was just against my drinking alcohol. I drove Dan and his brother to 7-11 for a beer run. When we got home, Dan and I headed back up on the roof. It was nice having alone time. It got really cold so we went back inside and we knocked out for a couple of hours.

This morning, I woke up and washed my car. It’s been 2 months since I’ve washed it so it was WAY past due. I’m really productive today (except right now LOL). I think it’s because my body’s in work mode since today’s Monday and I got the day off. Woot!

Until next time….

So, on Tuesday after work/gym, I got ready to go visit one of my ex-coworkers who just had her 2nd daughter! She’s a week old and she’s so cute! My coworker (Letty) let me hold her and wow, I am not good with kids. Nancy went with me and we were just hanging out at Letty’s house catching up on the gossip. I didn’t get to stay long since my bed time was around the corner (yes, I sleep early. I can’t help it). When I got home, I had Pretty Little Liars DVRed, so I ended up watching that. Pretty interesting so far. I hope it doesn’t disappoint — especially since I have NO shows to watch during Summer haha.

Yesterday, I pretty much just chilled all day. Around 5:30pm, I went with my brother and met up with his friends at Tampopo. I got my scrambled egg udon, salmon sushi, and tuna roll — oh, but of course! I got the green tea tempura ice cream. YUMMEH. I was waiting for my bro in the car because I’m sure he wanted to talk to HIS friends. While I was waiting, the car parked next to us banged their door on MY BROTHER’S car. If you KNOW what kind of car my bro has, you’d be like WTF. So I yelled through the window WTF and then they said, “oh, I’m sorry! It was a little bang!” Pfft, if it left any damage, it’d be an expensive fix considering parts would have to be imported… After hanging with them, I went home to pick up my car and met up with a homie at Starbucks. I’m glad people can still rely on me to give my honest opinion and to help them see things clearly.

Last night, I was having a moment — an emo one at that… All I have to say is — THANK YOU DAN. I love you <3 and last night I found out my cousin has a boyfriend! Congrats and best of luck to you both!