Apathy
Tuesday, April 14th, 2009 | Uncategorized | No Comments
“Apathy is a state of indifference, or the suppression of emotions such as concern, excitement, motivation, and passion. An apathetic individual has an absence of interest or concern to emotional, social, or physical life. They may also exhibit an insensibility or sluggishness.”
Now that’s a descriptive word for how I feel at the moment. I feel emotionless and empty in a way. What used to make me smile seems to have no effect what so ever. I become irritated very easily and my patience level has gone down drastically. I feel like I have no control over this either. I feel like a spectator in my own life. All this makes me feel like I’m going crazy…
I’m not sure if there is anyone out there that can relate to how I feel some days. I feel like I’m bipolar because I begin the day in one mood and then I feel so different by the end of the day. Some days I’m super happy and other days I feel like just laying in bed all day. I’m not sure if it’s stress that causes my moods to go from one extreme to the other because some days my mood gradually changes. It depends on the events of the day.
I think I’m just over a lot of things. I’ve grown tired of trying to be the best at everything I do because every time I put my heart and soul into something I fall short. I always put in work and effort to show how much I care but it seems like no one ever cares how much thought goes into that so really, why should I care then. I’m not going to move ahead in any way right now, so I should care when it’s really needed.
To me, the world seems to be emotionless too. It feels like no one leads with their heart anymore. People seem to be driven by material possessions and not by their brain and heart.
I feel like this world has lost its direction and I’ve lost mine in its rotation. I’ve lost my thoughts so I’ll continue later.
Nature at its best.
Monday, April 6th, 2009 | Uncategorized | No Comments
Today is a beautiful day! The weather is just right… sure the sun is a bit warm but there is a perfect breeze that is gentle and glides gentle by your face. Unfortunately for me, today is a school day which means I will have to enjoy the day from campus. I’m here from 10am to about 9pm… maybe 7 if I’m lucky and my lab ends early. I’m about 5 weeks from summer vacation so you can imagine how excited I am right now. Hopefully I can save money and go to Mexico again. If I can, then I’ll break my record of times I’ve gone in a school year!
Uh oh… i have class in 15 minutes. I kind of got sidetracked. Well, at least I got the chance to update this thing because it’s been a while since I last logged in.
Gotta go. Update later… Peace! Enjoy this wonderful day!
A New year, not a new start…
Tuesday, January 6th, 2009 | Uncategorized | No Comments
A new year is never a new blank slate… it is the transition from one day to the next. It’s only a rolling over from one year to the other. Things might change but only if you spark that change. Only if you’re proactive. Everyone starts the year with great optimism and expect great things on the days to come. Truthfully, this year I have associated myself with a group I haven’t let in. Pessimists. Yeah, this year I grew into being pessimistic about the new year. It’s not something I wanted to do but certain situations and certain occasions have sadly convinced me that it won’t be a good year. This past year it felt like a rollercoaster, various ups and many downs and nothing was very subtle. Many things were in extreme proportions. I like to think that I’m a simple person when it comes to living my life so some of the extremeties that I went through came new to me. Luckily I can adapt to things fairly quickly. My mental state is well but emotionally I can feel myself grow weaker. I’d never liked being sensitive and I grew strong and prevented myself from going through much pain. There was a point where I couldn’t feel anything and I became numb. Only a few close friends knew what went on because only they could and can sense when something is wrong with me…but even when they lent a helping hand, I gave them the cold shoulder. Sometimes it was easier to pretend I was okay. Feeling numb only made things worse and turned my world into black and white and faded the colors which should have made me happy. I was reminded of the importance of pain, it’s something we must all go through and it’s something that allows us to feel human, to feel alive. In order to have good, we need to bring along the bad. We can’t accept change if there isn’t a series of events or consequences, be it good or bad.
Even after all that I’ve lived through and all that I’ve overcome, I still can’t find the strength in me to shift my thoughts to slowly slip into optimism. My thoughts are full of painful memories and hurtful future circumstances. Recently, sickness and death have been topics of many of my conversations with various people. But with that comes the life lesson of never taking what you have for granted. To cherish what you do have and not worry about what you don’t.
I’ve found myself sulking and listening to predominently “sad” or “emotional” music. My health feels like it’s going downhill once more. My confidence in many things and many people seem to be deteriating. Again, I can’t help it because of the atmosphere I’m surrounded with. How do I escape from the world? I don’t want to go back to the person I was before. I love who I am now. I left the other me behind for a good reason.
I believe I need an inspiration to keep me in the right path. To keep me thinking of things outside of this year’s course of events. This year has barely begun and the only complete good day I’ve had has been the first and only because it was a continuation of last year’s last day.
Hopefully I can gather the last of my strength and change things…
2009. Another year to live through. I love those who will live through it with me and by my side.
New…
Monday, December 22nd, 2008 | Uncategorized | No Comments
This will be my new blog…I will update later. =)